Abused cucumber salad

This is not only a delicious salad, but it is also a wonderful method to release some stress.
Cucumber has a smooth, slippery surface when cut and therefore won’t absorb flavours readily. By smacking (or abusing) the cucumber the flavours get absorbed better.


  • 1/2 cucumber
  • 1 small clove of garlic
  • 1/2 spring onion
  • 1/3 chili pepper
  • 1 tsp finely chopped coriander
  • 1 tsp soy sauce
  • 1/2 tsp (rice)vinegar
  • pepper
  • pinch of salt
  • pinch of sugar

Serves 1 as part of the Budget Challenge


Place the cucumber on a cutting board. Find the largest wooden spoon you have, or use a small sauce pan should you not have such a spoon or you have too much pent up frustration to work through.
Go wild on that poor cucumber. You want to make sure it is bruised all over and that when you squeeze it, it is no longer crunchy but instead turned soft. If there are places that aren’t soft, you haven’t tried hard enough!
There will be some water and potentially pieces of the soft core flying through your kitchen. You can avoid this by placing the cucumber in an open bag or by hitting from less high and firmer, instead of getting the force from momentum. This is a lot less fun though, so pick your preference.
The cucumber shall rip on the sides. This is the point, but try to avoid too many cracks early on, these cause a messy kitchen.

Once you are happy with how absolutely miserable the cucumber looks, cut the ends off the cucumber and toss this. Break the rest into manageable pieces. Leave to drain in a sieve while you make the marinade.

Chop the garlic, spring onion and chili pepper finely. Mix with the coriander, soy sauce, pepper, salt and sugar. Scoop the cucumber through the marinade.